Warning: Emotional Post
As I gave a warning, I feel that I can vent as much as I want now. I am a little tipsy too so that doesn't help my emotional vulnerability at the moment.
I hate that other people have such a huge effect on how I feel. How happy I am. How sad I am. How angry I am. etc. Certain people in particular have a larger effect on my feelings and my overall mood/outlook on life but just in general, I hate that I can't just be happy on my own. It's always someone else making me happy. Or sad. It's never just me.
I hate how lonely I am. I'll hang out with some people but then eventually I go back to my apartment and it's just me. Or my roommate might be there, but I usually would rather be alone then have her there so that doesn't really matter. But I mean lonely as in small. I feel inadequate, unimportant. I feel like no one in the world is thinking about me. I know that sounds dramatic and is probably not true. I don't feel sorry for myself, I know I have things pretty good. But everyone gets lonely. And I'm lonely. This is my first summer away from home. I think that adds to it. Summers are meant to hang out with friends, hang around the house with my mom, play ping pong with my dad and just not worry. Yet lately I find myself constantly worrying and unsure of what. I find myself crying and I don't know why. Just today, I've been trying to put in a new nose ring for the past 2 hours and it doesn't hurt that bad yet I'm crying occasionally. Yes it's from the frustration of it not going in but it's something else. Like it's built up inside me.
I feel so emo. Oh well. I don't have many of these kind of posts, I think i'm entitled to some.
I never feel good enough.
I got a fortune a few weeks ago from my fortune cookie. It said "Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you." I love it. I taped it to my desk and now I look at it everyday. It makes me feel nice. Even though it's just a random fortune, it means something to me. I'm always searching for happiness.
I think I overthink things. I think. heh. I know I do, but I don't know how to stop. I analyze every little thing. Everything someone says to me, I pick it apart. Even if it's something simple. Like a text. "I have plans but I would so be down otherwise". What does that mean? You have plans yet you would like to go...yet you don't ask me to hang out some other time and you never reply to me saying we should hang out again soon. wtf. Give me something! Ugh. Sometimes I bore myself. Sometimes I wonder what people see in me. Other times I wonder what people see in others.
Sometimes I truly believe love doesn't exist. Sure the love in families does and love for friends, but love as in lovers as in relationships as in marriage love...doesn't. It's not there. It's a made up thing. Something we made up to feel better about ourselves when we want sex. Sex is a natural thing but love...i'm not so sure. That sounds really pessimistic and I'm sure i'll constantly change my mind about it in my life, but as of right now, that's how I feel. I hope i'm wrong. I really do.
I think i could go on and on about my depressing emotional feelings right now but I'll stop. Before I make myself more depressed and others.
Ciao.
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1 comments:
shit. just... shit. I feel what you said here. It's stuff that I don't know how to explain but you really hit some parts on the head. Like. Relationships as in person to person interaction are confusing. And I hate to feel like I am small and nothing to anyone, but I also hate to have all the pressure of the spotlight on me. Like. agh.
I just, I think I understand. What you're going through. I'm going through it too. And it's weird. The not feeling happy as a result of my own doing makes me want to spend more time inside of myself, figuring me out. But people don't get that. And I love people. But sometimes I am just like... it's too depressing. And I think maybe you and I deserve a little bit of selfishness every now and then. Because... well, I used to be all about being selfless, really, without realizing it. And that's what makes things burst. Little shit. And like, maybe the nose ring thing... maybe it has to do with not feeling you have control of yourself. That's my issue. I think that's why I obsess about food and being thin and exercising. But if I stop paying attention to these things, I get even more depressed. Because then I'm just sitting around and I'd rather be sleeping. It's like...at least focusing on the unhappy bits gives me something to do. AGHHHHH. Is happiness overrated?
I heard that once.
Maybe.
But,
I'd at least like to know that I can make myself content, just me.
blah. sorry, andi :/
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