You like to rock it in the car

Even my shoes miss you

2009-01-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

Only Fools Rush In...

2008-09-23T21:51:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I really want to ask myself "What is wrong with you?!"
I get attached too easily.
I get distracted too easily.
I'm too dependent on technology. In every way. Relationships, school, entertainment.
I find myself daydreaming a lot. Scenarios that will never happen, I think that's why I like them. I do them mainly right before falling asleep or if i'm really bored at work. Or sometimes in the shower even. My life is full of daydreams. I never dream while asleep only awake.
I feel like i'm growing up with no achievements. Or that i'm growing up too fast. Peter Pan is one of my favorite stories. This gives insight...
I really want to read all the books I want to but I don't have time during school and this angers me. I also really want to reread my favorite book, The Master and Margarita (Mikhail Bulgakov). Fucking insane but beautiful.
This blog has no real point, just my ramblings.
I'm in love with these two songs at this moment: "Ladies and Gentlemen, We Are Floating In Space" (Spiritualized) and "Oh La La" (The Faces).
I feel so unorganized this semester. I think I have a severe case of senioritis ever since I found out that I'm actually graduating in the spring. Which reminds me...I have to print out that grad school application...
I have a major crush on my internship supervisor guy. He's British and loves modern art and is hilarious. Too bad I didn't meet him outside of my internship. Sidenote: I'm also in love with my internship. We clean sculptures outside all day. And I get to be with awesome people who have the same interests as me. We all carpool there and talk about our crazy art history teachers. I like it a lot, because before now I didn't really have any friends in the art history dept. Boo hoo.
Sometimes I wish I could be those kids who only care about barely passing grades. Eff that.
I can't quench my thirst.
I'm nerdily excited about my research paper for Art History even though it's going to be a lot of work. It's on an artist named Rosso Fiorentino and before recently I had never heard of him but now I'm in love with him. Look him up and look at the Deposition then look at Jesus's face. You'll understand.

I'm ending this now to sleep.

2008-08-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

Life is feeling so repetitive lately. Sleep. Class. Lunch. Work. Dinner. Homework. TV. Sleep. Repeat. I want school to start so badly. Then I'll have a little variety. And people here, people I can talk to and laugh with. I'll have my internship, my classes, the French club, new friends (hopefully), and more things to look forward to. I feel like as I sit here, doing nothing, everything is going by me. What that is, I don't know. I just want to graduate and move. MOVE. I'm stuck here and I want to leave. For some reason I think leaving will solve my problems, solve my loneliness even though I'll be away from everyone I know. Even though I'll be about 3000 miles away from everyone I call family or friends, I'll be starting something new and that makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'll be doing something...anything. For some reason I think that in Boston, I'll meet people that I'll be able to connect with. Like it will solve everything.
I want to travel more than anything. I was talking to my friend who lives in Scotland and she was telling me how she's going to London for the weekend and she started asking me where I want to go when I come visit her next summer. I love that. I love that she's expecting me in Europe next summer, it makes it seem more real. I said how we'll have to have a girl's weekend in Paris and she said "duh". It makes me feel happy, that this time next summer I may be in Paris or Glasgow or London. I will be. It's time for me to stop making excuses like I don't have enough money; maybe I don't have enough money and I'll be broke when I come back but I'm starting to think it'd be worth it. Totally worth it.
I know I wrote about this before, but jeez I hate being lonely. I hate depending on others for my happiness. I wanna be happy with myself. And I think I have to be before I can be happy with anyone else. And that's hard to deal with.
I want to go back to this:

Happiness is right next to you

2008-07-10T20:48:00.001-07:00

Warning: Emotional Post

As I gave a warning, I feel that I can vent as much as I want now. I am a little tipsy too so that doesn't help my emotional vulnerability at the moment.
I hate that other people have such a huge effect on how I feel. How happy I am. How sad I am. How angry I am. etc. Certain people in particular have a larger effect on my feelings and my overall mood/outlook on life but just in general, I hate that I can't just be happy on my own. It's always someone else making me happy. Or sad. It's never just me.
I hate how lonely I am. I'll hang out with some people but then eventually I go back to my apartment and it's just me. Or my roommate might be there, but I usually would rather be alone then have her there so that doesn't really matter. But I mean lonely as in small. I feel inadequate, unimportant. I feel like no one in the world is thinking about me. I know that sounds dramatic and is probably not true. I don't feel sorry for myself, I know I have things pretty good. But everyone gets lonely. And I'm lonely. This is my first summer away from home. I think that adds to it. Summers are meant to hang out with friends, hang around the house with my mom, play ping pong with my dad and just not worry. Yet lately I find myself constantly worrying and unsure of what. I find myself crying and I don't know why. Just today, I've been trying to put in a new nose ring for the past 2 hours and it doesn't hurt that bad yet I'm crying occasionally. Yes it's from the frustration of it not going in but it's something else. Like it's built up inside me.
I feel so emo. Oh well. I don't have many of these kind of posts, I think i'm entitled to some.
I never feel good enough.
I got a fortune a few weeks ago from my fortune cookie. It said "Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you." I love it. I taped it to my desk and now I look at it everyday. It makes me feel nice. Even though it's just a random fortune, it means something to me. I'm always searching for happiness.
I think I overthink things. I think. heh. I know I do, but I don't know how to stop. I analyze every little thing. Everything someone says to me, I pick it apart. Even if it's something simple. Like a text. "I have plans but I would so be down otherwise". What does that mean? You have plans yet you would like to go...yet you don't ask me to hang out some other time and you never reply to me saying we should hang out again soon. wtf. Give me something! Ugh. Sometimes I bore myself. Sometimes I wonder what people see in me. Other times I wonder what people see in others.
Sometimes I truly believe love doesn't exist. Sure the love in families does and love for friends, but love as in lovers as in relationships as in marriage love...doesn't. It's not there. It's a made up thing. Something we made up to feel better about ourselves when we want sex. Sex is a natural thing but love...i'm not so sure. That sounds really pessimistic and I'm sure i'll constantly change my mind about it in my life, but as of right now, that's how I feel. I hope i'm wrong. I really do.
I think i could go on and on about my depressing emotional feelings right now but I'll stop. Before I make myself more depressed and others.
Ciao.

Hubcaps and Fireworks

2008-07-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

The 4th of July weekend began on thursday. I arrived home in Livermore around 4pm to an empty house. I pet my dog, I enjoyed the vacancy of the house. Soon my sister came and I talked to her a bit, then my dad came. I think we played ping pong. My sister left. We went to Foster Freeze for dinner and a milkshake. A summer tradition. I think maybe one reason it hasn't felt like summer is because I didn't have this milkshake. Every summer I get a milkshake with my dad, sometimes with my mom as well. Yet so far in this summer I hadn't had one. Now I have and I think it may contribute to summer feeling more like summer. Hopefully.
I'm trying to figure out what to play on itunes. Lately none of my music has appealed to me. I feel burnt out on music. At least my music. And that makes me sad.
After dinner I went out with Heather. This was nice. I hadn't seen her for quite sometime and being able to walk around with her and just talk was good. We ended up going to her friend's house and watching Darjeeling Limited. I liked it. Though I think I have to watch it again to like it more. We then went to her other friend's house, Brendan. He was a cutie so was his friend. That was fun too even though I felt a little awkward because of not knowing anyone but H. But I still enjoyed watching everyone and listening. I got home at 1:30am and fell asleep.
The next day was 4th of July and it ended up being pretty laid back. I went to the park and played baseball with my dad. It was fun, I hadn't pitched and hit for a long time. I miss it. Unfortunately I don't really know anyone who will play with me other than my dad. Bbqed with the parents for dinner then went to another of H's friend's houses. Watched the fireworks there then went to another person's house and played ping pong, listened to them play drums and guitar and smoked a lil hookah. I hadn't done that in awhile. It reminded me of Sean's apartment and my sister. I think that's the only reason I smoked it.
Yesterday, saturday. I got new tires on my car. I picked her up, everything looked fine. Then I drive to Heather's to pick her up for movie and notice that the driver's side tire hubcap is missing. Gasp. Bitches. I never heard it come off. I'm wondering if it came off in the car wash. Probably. After seeing WALL-E (which was stupendous), I called them and they agreed to replace it without argument. Good. I hung around the house the rest of the day and later watched Once with the parents. That movie is lovely. I liked it better the second time. I think I appreciated the music even more because I was more concentrated on it rather than having to focus on the story. Even though the music is the story. Beautiful.
Today was a lazy day. Again I hung around with the parents. Played ping pong, ate pizza came back to Rohnert Park. Even though it was a pretty laid back 4th of July weekend, it was enjoyable. Life is pretty good right now. I have a summer fling going. (The waiter) I have work going. I have life going. It's going...

Refresh.

2008-06-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

I just went swimming. And it was fabulous. Something about the first swim of the summer that makes me feel nice. Wonderful. Stupendous. It was so refreshing and ahhhh I loved it. Yay for swimming :)
In other news I had a nice weekend. I went hiking with a good friend in a lovely spot. The Santa Cruz hills. I wish the hike was longer though, I was on a time limit because I had to be at my grandma's for dinner but it was still a very enjoyable hike. I spent the night at my grandma's which was also nice because I hadn't talked to her, just her, for awhile. The next day we went to my Uncle's for his 50th birthday. It was the first time I saw his new place in the San Jose hills. It doesn't feel like you're in San Jose. There are trees everywhere and a creek right by his little house/cabin. Very perdy. It was fun to hang out with the family. I drove back to ropo that evening and got back round 8. All in all it was a gooooood weekend. And now I'm getting ready to travel to Tennessee this friday! I'm excited. Something new and different. New experiences=good.
I'll leave you with these nice pictures:

Plummer without a "b"

2008-06-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

I left my number for a cute waiter today. I've never done that. Anything like that. It made me feel kinda good about myself. Even if he doesn't call I'll still feel like I did something cool. heh. Cool isn't the right word. Exhilarated. I didn't think I could do that. Leave my number for basically a complete stranger. It feels nice.
At the party yesterday there were people from Scotland, France, Peru, England and of course California. All these different accents going on at once. I loved it. I loved not being able to understand the Scottish guys. They were speaking English yet I could barely understand them through their thick brogue. Lovely. They wore kilts. And had really pale skin and they seemed awkward yet comfortable. These guys in kilts didn't seem that out of place, which I liked.
I'm sick. Stupid cough.
I don't want to work tomorrow. But I do. At least I feel more productive when I'm there and not just sitting in my room on the computer. Sometimes I feel lazy, but I don't know what I should be doing. It seems like others are always doing something, going somewhere, talking to someone. But I'm not.
I have a fortune from a fortune cookie taped above my desk. "You are original and creative." I got another one a couple weeks ago that I put in my wallet. "You will be traveling and coming into a fortune." Fortune...a fortune cookie? For...tune. For music. Tune for music. Fortune of music. Okay. I'm going to tape this fortune on my desk as well.

I'm a ghetto blaster. A microphone commander. A chain reactor. When I'm in love. (Bushwalla)

Hey love

2008-05-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

Once again it has been several months since posting in here. But let's not talk about that.

It's summer. Time of freedom, laughter, sprinklers, heat, fun and much more. Yet I'm bored as ever. It doesn't feel like summer yet. It may be the 65 degree weather or that I'm not in Livermore. This is my first summer where I haven't been in Livermore. With my parents, with my old friends, in my old room. I'm in my apartment with my roommate who sometimes doesn't understand me. And I sometimes don't understand her. We have fun but I still feel like something is missing. There's a feeling of blah. I'm not having fun yet. Summer is supposed to be about fun! No school, nothing to worry about but I'm worrying about something yet I don't know what. It's like I've forgotten to do something that I was never meant to do. I believe it will get better though. As the weather gets hotter and the people get crazier. :/ That's what I'm hoping for.
I have no plans for tonight. It's a friday night and I have absolutely nothing to do. Oh well.
Tomorrow I am going to my friend's graduation party. I'm looking forward to it. At the same time I'm a little sad. She's leaving in 3 weeks for Scotland to live there, and who knows... maybe I won't see her again. We're not the best of friends, I've only really known her for about 5 months. So seeing her in Scotland doesn't seem likely though I would really like to. This whole last semester I have met people who actually seem to be more like me, who have more similar interests with me than all the people I've met before at Sonoma. I love that I know them now. That I have become friends with them. But two of them have graduated and are leaving and I wish I had more time. I wish I wasn't so shy, it seems too short. I always seem to know people when they're leaving. Leaving leaving leaving.
I was nostalgic last night. My friend sent me the link to my old livejournal, the one I used to write in during high school and freshmen year of college. Up until last night I hadn't really realized how much things have changed. Everything has. I started crying from reading past friend's comments and the different events that happened in my life at the time... I miss them all. It's funny how you don't really understand how much you miss them until it stares you in the face.
I regret some things...everyone does. I don't want this regret to build up inside, but I don't want to let it out.

You've Lost That Love and Feeling

2007-11-21T23:43:00.000-08:00

Now it's gone gone gone

I'm home for thanksgiving, wooh. I like it here. Though i'm glad I don't live here full time now, I think the happiness would wear off. I like my own apartment and my own living space, yet I still love my home and my dog.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! In 15 minutes...

I like how cold it was this morning. I like when I have to wait for my defroster on my car to get warmed up before I can drive. I like that my feet are freezing as I type this and will get warmed up as I climb into bed. I like that I can wear sweaters comfortably and big jackets. I like that I know how to start a fire in my fireplace and listen to Christmas music and read my french book. (La Symphonie Pastorale) I like that i'm going to eat a lot tomorrow and not really care.
I like talking to a new/old friend on AIM and discovering new personalities and new music.

I like that i'm extremely tired and I will go to bed soon and fall asleep.

Hey little wild girl by the ocean dressed in white......All that's left is your whole life.

R.I.P. Uncle Bruce. I wish I knew you better but I have no doubt that you were a great man.

Welcome

2007-11-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

To my new blog. It's exciting and slightly daunting. I've had a livejournal before and I always felt pressured to come up with something new and clever for every entry. I think I may be able to handle it now though. I don't feel the need to impress anyone like I did in my high school years, what a relief.
Alas, it is nearing the day of turkey. I have to admit, I love this day. I love being able to eat as much as possible and not feeling guilty. Though I inevitably do. But we won't talk about that. I'm eager to go home, in my old bedroom, pet my dog, watch football with my dad and do whatever. I'm a sucker for traditions, in some ways. In holiday ways, I suppose.

I'm already listening to Christmas music. Is that bad?

I found out earlier today that my Great Uncle Bruce is in the hospital. He's 92 years old and has had a long and fulfilling life so I think it may be his time, and that's okay. He's also a priest so he has something to look forward to.

I wish I looked like Natalie Wood.

I've decided these blogs will just be a series of random thoughts that pop into my mind. No plan. Just randomness. I like that.
Maybe I'll end each entry with a thought of the day, something random, maybe a question. I'll be spunky and witty like that. (:-/)

Thought of the day:
Life is funny.